When Belonging Comes at a Cost

A personal reflection on tribal instincts, identity shifts, and the quiet courage of staying true

Something happened recently that I didn’t mention in the episode, but it’s been sitting with me ever since I spoke to Dr. Michael Morris.

I was catching up with an old colleague I hadn’t seen in a while. Nothing heavy, just coffee, updates, memories. But as the conversation went on, I noticed myself doing something I thought I’d outgrown.

Editing.

Not lying. Not pretending. Just softening the truth. Skimming past the parts of my life that didn’t quite “fit” who I used to be in that circle.

It was subtle. Harmless on the surface. But, later on, it left me unsettled.

Why did I do that?

The conversation with Michael helped me name it. He talked about the Peer Instinct; our deep, often unconscious drive to belong, to sync, to avoid rejection. Not out of weakness, but evolution. That instinct kept us safe when isolation meant danger.

But in today’s world, it can lead us to hide the very parts of ourselves we’ve worked hard to grow into.

That’s the tension I felt.

Because the cost of belonging shouldn’t be your voice.

And growth shouldn’t make you feel like a stranger in your own life.

In our interview, Michael unpacked how these ancient instincts shape everything from social dynamics to corporate cultures. But what struck me most is how quietly they show up, especially in moments we think are just “normal.”

A casual coffee. A team meeting. A family dinner.

And suddenly, you’re not showing up as you are, you’re showing up as who you think they still expect you to be.

Michael’s discussion is about that gap.

The invisible line between connection and conformity.

And how to spot when you’re crossing it, so you can come back to yourself.

Because the point isn’t to stop needing belonging.

The point is to lead ourselves through it, intentionally, consciously, and without losing the very person we’re trying to bring to the table.

Access the whole conversation below.

What’s Inside for Paid Subscribers:

• Ad-free access to my full interview with Dr. Michael Morris

• A companion reflection: “Belonging Without Disappearing”—a deeper look at how our tribal instincts shape self-expression

• A worksheet to help you assess where you’re showing up authentically—and where you might be shrinking

• Journal prompts to explore your own Peer, Hero, and Ancestor instincts