A few years ago, Stanford psychologist Greg Walton conducted an experiment that altered how researchers perceive belonging.
He invited a group of first-year college students to read short stories written by older students. These stories were simple but powerful: “At first, I felt like I didn’t belong here. Everyone else seemed smarter and more confident. But after a few months, I found my people and realized most of us felt the same way.”
For the students who read those stories, something remarkable happened. Their grades improved. Their friendships deepened. Their overall sense of belonging went up.
This raises the deeper question: What makes people feel a sense of belonging?
Belonging is not the same as fitting in. It is not about playing a part, silencing your edges, or trying to match a mold. Real belonging is about living in alignment with who you are and finding spaces that welcome that truth. It is both an inner journey and a social one.
After years of interviewing psychologists, neuroscientists, and authors, and reflecting on my own experiences, I noticed the same six forces consistently appeared whenever someone described a breakthrough moment of connection. Together, these became what I call the six pillars of belonging, a blueprint for creating the kind of connection that helps us flourish. I discuss these more in episode 669 of Passion Struck, which you can listen to ad-free below.
The Six Pillars of Belonging
Belief: The Story You Choose to Live By
Everything begins with belief. The story you tell yourself about who you are becomes the lens through which you interpret the world. Some of those stories are inherited from parents, teachers, or culture, and they can keep you stuck in someone else’s version of you.
Belief is the act of rewriting those scripts. Research shows personality and behavior can be reshaped through deliberate, repeated action. To build a sense of belonging, you must first belong to yourself.
Empathy: The Bridge Between Isolation and Connection
Empathy is more than understanding others. It is seeing the conversation beneath the words. Charles Duhigg refers to this as the matching principle — aligning with the emotional, practical, or social layer from which someone is speaking.
Empathy is also an inward act. When you meet yourself with compassion, you quiet the inner critic that drives you to perform for approval. This creates the space for authentic connection to grow.
Love: Refusing to Betray Yourself
Love is often misunderstood as soft, but it is an act of strength. Self-love is the refusal to abandon yourself to win acceptance. Rick Hanson’s work on positive neuroplasticity shows that when we practice kindness toward ourselves, we literally rewire the brain to expect care rather than criticism.
Love is the foundation of all the other pillars. Without it, belonging feels conditional.
Openness: The Willingness to Be Seen
Belonging requires visibility. Hiding might help you fit in, but it will never make you feel connected. Amy Edmondson’s research on psychological safety shows that when people feel free to speak up, admit mistakes, and ask questions, teams thrive.
Openness is that same principle, applied to your life. When you share what is real, your fears, your dreams, your questions, you invite others to do the same.
Nurture: Creating Space for Others
Belonging is not just about finding a place that welcomes you. It is about becoming someone who builds that place for others.
Robert Glazer describes culture carriers as the individuals who set the tone, foster trust, and make others feel secure. When you nurture a sense of belonging, you transform a solitary experience into a shared one.
Growth: Becoming Who You Are Meant to Be
Belonging is not a final destination. As you evolve, so does your understanding of where and with whom you belong. Lisa Miller calls this spiritual development, the process of widening your lens and deepening your capacity for connection.
Growth enables you to move beyond spaces that no longer fit and challenges you to create new ones that align with who you are becoming.
How to Live the Six Pillars of Belonging
Understanding the six pillars of belonging is only the beginning. The real transformation comes from practice. Choose one pillar each week and integrate it into your daily life. Reflect on the stories you live by. Offer empathy before judgment. Share one truth you normally keep to yourself. Invite someone else into the circle.
Each choice is like laying a foundation stone. Over time, they create a structure strong enough to hold not just you, but everyone you welcome in.
Why Belonging Is the Work of Our Time
Learning what makes us feel a sense of belonging is not just about feeling good; it's about feeling a sense of belonging. It is about survival, health, and meaning. Research indicates that a sense of belongingness lowers stress, enhances well-being, and increases resilience. In an era where loneliness has become a public health crisis, fostering a sense of belonging is one of the most radical, life-giving things we can do.
When we practice the six pillars of belonging — belief, empathy, love, openness, nurture, and growth — we stop blending in and start living in a way that feels coherent and whole. We become not just participants in our lives but creators of spaces where connection thrives.
A Quiet Invitation
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