Doing the Inner Work
How Self-Awareness Shapes Your Outer World
Let’s start with a truth most people spend their entire lives avoiding:
You can’t change your outer world… until you’re willing to face your inner one.
We live in a world that tells us:
Fix the job. Fix the schedule. Fix the partner. Fix the body.
And then—maybe—you’ll feel better.
So we chase surface solutions.
We optimize.
We manage.
We stay busy.
But inside?
The same fear. The same anger. The same shame. Just with better lighting.
That’s the myth.
If you just move fast enough, perform well enough, or achieve loud enough… the pain inside will stay quiet.
But here’s the truth:
The part of you you won’t face… still drives.
Still chooses.
Still whispers your limits when no one’s watching.
Carl Jung said it best:
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life—and you will call it fate”
Think about that.
All the decisions you’re making.
All the patterns that keep showing up in your relationships, your leadership, your self-talk…
They’re not random.
They’re reflections.
Of old wounds.
Of internalized scripts.
Of emotional blueprints you didn’t choose—but are still following.
Why It’s So Hard
And here’s why inner work is so hard:
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It doesn’t reward you with a gold star.
There’s no trophy for sitting with your insecurity.
No standing ovation for facing the part of you that feels unlovable.
Inner work doesn’t flatter the ego.
It confronts it.
Because the moment you ask, “Why do I keep reacting like this?”
You’re forced to meet parts of yourself you’ve spent years hiding from.
The part that always needs to be right.
The part that manipulates to stay safe.
The part that never feels like enough—no matter what you achieve.
Facing that?
It takes more courage than any external change you could make.
Why Most People Avoid It
So we avoid it.
We intellectualize.
We spiritual bypass.
We stay busy. We stay productive. We stay “fine.”
Because once you pull back the curtain—once you stop blaming the world and start looking in the mirror—you can’t unsee what’s there.
And what’s there… is usually messy.
But here’s the paradox:
Avoiding the mess doesn’t protect you from it.
It just makes you project it onto everyone else.
You blame your team for being disorganized… when really, you fear not being in control.
You criticize your partner for not listening… when deep down, you’re the one who stopped sharing honestly.
You say your boss “doesn’t see your potential”… but you’ve never once voiced what you actually want.
When you don’t do the inner work, you leak: Resentment. Control. Reactivity.
And you call it leadership.
The Cost of Not Looking Inward
Over time, the cost compounds.
We live in misalignment—where our values and behaviors don’t match.
We burn out—not just from overwork, but from overcompensation.
And we stay stuck in loops we can’t name—because we’re too afraid to slow down and feel.
This is why relationships break down.
Why leaders lose trust.
Why purpose feels hollow.
Because we’re not living from clarity—we’re living from clutter.
The Glasses Metaphor
Let me give you a metaphor:
Inner work is like cleaning the lens of your glasses.
When the lens is smudged, you don’t see the dirt—you see a distorted world.
Everything feels blurry, off, frustrating.
So you try to fix what’s in front of you.
You squint harder.
You blame the view.
You get angry at the light.
But the problem isn’t the world.
It’s the lens.
And once you clean it—once you bring awareness to the smudges—you realize it was never about the outside.
It was about clarity.
It was about seeing reality… without the distortion of old pain.
That’s the work.
Not fixing what’s out there.
Facing what’s in here.
And then—only then—changing the world from a place that’s real, aligned, and true.
Self-Awareness ≠ Navel-Gazing
Self-awareness gets talked about a lot these days.
But too often, it gets watered down to something vague and surface-level—like knowing your Enneagram type, or identifying as “Type A,” or saying, “I just like to keep it real.”
That’s not self-awareness.
That’s personality profiling.
Real self-awareness is deeper.
It’s the capacity to see your own patterns—clearly, compassionately, and without flinching.
It’s the ability to track what you’re feeling, why you’re reacting, and how your story is shaping your decisions in real time.
Daniel Goleman—who helped popularize emotional intelligence—calls self-awareness the cornerstone of it all.
“If you’re not aware of what you’re feeling, why you’re feeling it, or how it’s impacting others,” he said, “you’ll keep operating on autopilot.”
And here’s where Dr. Tasha Eurich’s work, whom I interviewed in episode 592, takes it a step further.
She’s an author and researcher who’s studied thousands of people and found that while 95% of us think we’re self-aware, the actual number is… about 10–15%.
Let that sink in.
Most of us are flying blind—and don’t know it.
So let’s ground this.
When I talk about doing the inner work, I’m talking about building three specific levels of self-awareness.
Level 1: Narrative Awareness
The story you’re telling yourself.
“What story am I living inside right now?”
This is the mental loop that explains the world to you—whether it’s true or not.
Narrative awareness is catching the voice that says:
“People always let me down.”
“If I don’t stay in control, everything falls apart.”
“I have to earn love by being useful.”
These stories get written early—by trauma, family dynamics, cultural scripts—and they become your default operating system.
Let me give you an example.
A former client of mine—let’s call him Marcus—was a senior leader who constantly micromanaged his team. He thought he had a delegation problem.
But after one conversation, we uncovered the deeper story:
“If I’m not in control, people will disappoint me—and I’ll be blamed.”
That wasn’t a productivity issue.
That was a childhood wound that got baked into his leadership.
Once he could name the story, he could start to change it.
Narrative awareness is the first crack in the autopilot.
Level 2: Emotional Awareness
What you’re actually feeling—in the moment.
“What am I feeling right now?”
Not what I think I should feel.
Not what I want to perform.
What’s actually here?
Most of us are taught to name two emotions: fine or overwhelmed.
Everything else gets buried.
But when you start building emotional granularity—when you can say “I feel dismissed,” or “I feel unworthy,” or “I feel powerless”—you take your power back.
Because now you’re not just reacting.
You’re reflecting.
You’re becoming conscious of what’s driving you.
And here’s the kicker: the more language you build around emotion, the more flexibility you have in handling it.
This is what Goleman found in his research:
Emotional awareness increases your ability to regulate, to empathize, and to respond intentionally—instead of impulsively.
In other words: if you want to lead well, love well, or live well—you need to know what you’re feeling when you’re feeling it.
Level 3: Shadow Awareness
The part of yourself you don’t want to see.
“What part of me am I afraid to meet?”
This is the version of you you try to outrun:
The needy part
The jealous part
The angry, insecure, petty, or manipulative part
Everyone has one. The question is: Are you aware of it—or are you letting it steer your life in the dark?
And this brings us back to something Keila Shaheen said in our recent conversation:
“You don’t heal what you won’t acknowledge. And you can’t transform what you’re still pretending isn’t there.”
That hit me.
Because I’ve seen it in myself—moments where I was showing up confident on the outside… but really, I was performing to avoid being exposed.
Shadow awareness is the deepest layer of self-awareness—and the most powerful.
Because when you’re willing to look at what you’ve been hiding, that part of you stops controlling you.
You don’t have to pretend.
You don’t have to prove.
You just have to integrate.
And now that we’ve mapped the landscape of self-awareness…
Let’s talk about the level most people resist the hardest.
The shadow.
The version of you you’ve tried not to be.
The part of you you’ve worked overtime to outperform, out-achieve, or out-numb.
How the Shadow Sabotages You
Let’s get specific.
Shadowwork shows up in subtle, everyday ways—ways that feel normal… until you start paying attention.
For years, I was obsessed with preparation.
Every interview, every conversation—I’d overprepare to the point of burnout.
I told myself it was professionalism.
But if I’m honest? It was control.
Beneath that drive was a deeper fear:
Of being caught off guard.
Of not having the answer.
Of being exposed.
That’s the Overachiever in shadow:
Someone who keeps achieving to feel worthy.
Stillness feels like failure.
Because stopping means risking invisibility.
Others carry different shadows:
The Peacemaker—who silences their needs to keep harmony, but loses their voice.
The Helper—who gives endlessly to feel needed, but ends up resentful and unseen.
I’ve lived versions of all three.
These aren’t flaws.
They’re survival strategies.
But what once protected you—starts to limit you.
And unless you face that scared part of you—the one trying to keep you safe by controlling, avoiding, or performing—it will keep running the show.
When you stop performing the shadow…
People can finally connect with the real you.
You Can’t Heal What You Pretend Isn’t There
Shadowwork gives you insight.
But insight alone isn’t transformation.
You can’t just name the wound—you have to respond differently because of it.
That’s the next layer:
Turning awareness into action.
Choosing—moment by moment—to lead your life from clarity, not protection.
So what does that look like?
Not in theory—but in real life.
In the hard meeting.
The awkward conversation.
The quiet moment when your old pattern wants to kick back in.
You’ve done the inner scan.
Now it’s time to live the shift.
Turning Awareness Into Action: The R.A.R.E. Method
Awareness is powerful.
But it’s not the finish line.
It’s the foundation.
Because once you’ve identified what you feel…
Once you’ve noticed what you avoid…
Once you’ve named the story you’re living inside…
You’re left with a crucial question:
Now what?
This is where most people get stuck.
They do the reflection—but not the rewiring.
They spot the pattern—but still walk it.
They identify the shadow—but keep letting it drive.
Real transformation happens when awareness becomes embodied.
And that’s where the R.A.R.E. Method comes in.
This four-step practice helps you apply the insight in the moments that matter most.
Because real change isn’t common—it’s R.A.R.E.
Built in quiet moments—when no one’s watching, but everything is shifting.
R.A.R.E. Step 1: Recognize the Story
“What narrative is driving me right now?”
This is about catching the script you’re operating from—before it decides your next move.
When you feel off—resentful, anxious, reactive—pause and ask:
“What story am I believing?”
“What am I assuming is true?”
“What old message just got triggered?”
It might be:
“They don’t respect me.”
“If I say no, I’ll disappoint them.”
“I have to earn love by being needed.”
Naming the story breaks the trance.
It moves you from reaction to awareness.
R.A.R.E. Step 2: Acknowledge the Emotion
“What am I actually feeling right now?”
Don’t default to “fine” or “frustrated.”
Be specific. Precision creates power.
Say:
“I feel disregarded.”
“I feel exposed.”
“I feel powerless.”
Why it matters
The brain can’t regulate what it can’t name.
And most emotional chaos comes not from the emotion—but from resisting it.
When you acknowledge what’s real, you reclaim choice.
R.A.R.E. Step 3: Reveal the Shadow
“What part of me is being exposed or protected right now?”
This is where you get honest about what’s underneath.
Not just:
“I’m annoyed.” But:
“I feel irrelevant—and I’m trying to prove I matter.”
Not just:
“I’m angry.” But:
“I feel unsafe—and I’m trying to regain control.”
Shadow work isn’t about fixing that part.
It’s about facing it—so it stops driving your life in the dark.
R.A.R.E. Step 4: Exchange the Pattern
“Now that I see what’s happening—what do I want to do differently?”
This is the practice of choosing a new response, even when it feels awkward
Now—it’s time to choose a new pattern.
Instead of snapping when you feel dismissed, pause and say: “Can I share something that’s on my mind?”
Instead of saying yes out of guilt, try: “I’d love to help, but I need to honor my bandwidth.”
Instead of defaulting to people-pleasing, practice: “Here’s what I actually need right now.”
That tension you feel? That’s not failure.
It’s evidence you’re disrupting the loop.
Why Inner Work Changes Everything
Here’s the deeper truth:
Doing the inner work doesn’t just change your mindset.
It changes your life—and the lives of everyone you lead, love, and impact.
Because the more self-aware you become…
The more emotionally safe you become.
To your team.
To your partner.
To your kids.
To yourself.
When you stop judging your emotions…
When you stop hiding from your shadow…
When you stop abandoning your truth to earn love—
You begin to trust yourself.
And that trust becomes the foundation for everything else.
Why Inner Work Ripples Outward
Self-awareness isn’t just personal growth—it’s relational leadership.
When you’ve done your inner work, people around you feel it.
Parents stay present in hard moments.
Friends own their impact without defensiveness.
Leaders stop performing and start resonating.
You don’t need to fix everyone.
You just need to stop projecting what you haven’t faced.
In a Culture Addicted to Avoidance
We live in a world obsessed with control, speed, and self-optimization.
But beneath the surface?
Most people are exhausted.
Emotionally underdeveloped.
Spiritually hungry.
We scroll more, but feel less.
We achieve more, but connect less.
We talk about “living our truth”—but rarely sit still long enough to hear it.
We’ve mastered the art of performance—but not the courage of presence.
That’s why inner work matters.
Not just for personal transformation.
But for cultural restoration.
Because a generation that avoids its emotions… repeats its dysfunction.
But a generation that learns to face itself?
It starts to heal—one person, one moment, one breath at a time.
What Becomes Possible
Here’s what becomes possible when you do this work:
You stop clinging to outdated identities
You start creating from clarity, not chaos
You become a safer person for others to be real around
You start attracting relationships that reflect your growth
You stop fixing… and start expressing
You stop chasing worth… and start trusting your own
Because the truth is:
Trust doesn’t come from perfection—
It comes from presence.
One Final Question
So let me ask you:
What part of you have you avoided—
but are finally ready to meet?
Maybe it’s a truth you haven’t said out loud.
Maybe it’s a pattern you’re done repeating.
Maybe it’s a version of you that’s been buried beneath performance, people-pleasing, or pain.
Whatever it is…
This is your invitation.
Not to perform.
Not to prove.
But to come home to yourself—and build your life from that place.
Because the more honest you are with yourself…
The more powerfully you show up in the world.
Take a breath. Let the insights settle. What landed for you most?
Inner Work in Real Life: Five Moves to Start Practicing Today
Insight is powerful.
But integration? That’s where the transformation lives.
So if today’s episode stirred something in you—here are five simple, intentional ways to bring the work off the page… and into your actual life.
1. Name the Emotion, Not Just the Reaction
Instead of saying “I’m frustrated” or “I’m fine,” ask:
“What am I really feeling right now?”
Try words like: dismissed, overwhelmed, unseen, ashamed.
The more precise you are, the more choice you unlock in how you respond.
2. Ask: “What Story Am I Living Right Now?”
When you feel stuck or reactive, pause and ask:
“What narrative is shaping this moment?”
You might uncover:
“I have to be perfect to be safe.”
“If I say what I need, I’ll lose connection.”
Naming the story breaks the trance.
3. Track the Trigger to the Wound
Next time you get activated, trace it:
“What old part of me just got touched?”
This is shadow work in motion.
You're not being dramatic—you're being honest with your history.
4. Own the Projection
If someone really gets under your skin, try asking:
“Is this really about them—or something in me I haven’t faced?”
This isn’t about blame.
It’s about reclaiming your power—and your part.
5. Use This Journal Prompt: “What Part of Myself Have I Outgrown but Still Cling To?”
Let this one take you somewhere.
Be honest. Be gentle.
What identity, story, or role are you holding onto… that’s already expired?
These aren’t productivity tips.
They’re presence practices.
Each one is a tiny act of self-trust.
Each one brings you closer to alignment.
You don’t need to do all five.
Just pick one—and live it today.
Closing Reflection: The Legacy of Inner Work
The world doesn’t need more polished people.
More productive people.
More people who can perform on cue.
What it needs—what it’s starved for—
Are people who are real.
People who are congruent.
Who’ve stopped outsourcing their worth to achievement, applause, or control.
People who’ve done the work to know themselves—
And show up aligned.
Because when you meet someone who’s integrated, you feel it.
They don’t react. They respond.
They don’t impress. They resonate.
They don’t need to dominate the room—
Because their presence speaks for itself.
That’s what inner work creates.
Not just self-awareness—
But emotional safety.
Creative clarity.
Courage in real time.
So let me leave you with this:
What kind of world could we build
If more of us were brave enough to truly know ourselves?
To stop performing…
And start living from the inside out?
That’s the world I want to help create.
And if you’re listening to this—something tells me,
You do too.
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